Seven Ways a Wife Can Cultivate Her Marriage

Our guest contributor today is my dear wife Sarah J. Najapfour (BA in English Literature, University of the Fraser Valley). She is a stay-at-home mom. She taught at Cascade Christian School in Chilliwack, British Columbia, and Plymouth Christian High School in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She is co-author of Amazing Grace, the first part of the series called “Stories behind Favorite Hymns for Ages 3 to 6.” She and her husband Brian have four children.


As a parallel piece to my husband’s article “Thirteen Ways a Husband Can Cultivate His Marriage,” which appeared in July/August 2019 issue of The Outlook, I would like to borrow his first paragraph, changing it slightly to fit my article’s context: “Marriage is like a garden. If you are a gardener and want to have a beautiful garden, you should work hard on your garden. Likewise, if you are a wife and do not invest time and energy in your marriage, you can’t expect to have a wonderful marriage. And as a garden needs constant care, so does marriage. Like a gardener, you as a wife should ‘water, fertilize, and weed’ your marriage regularly in order to have a healthy marriage.” The Outlook

Here are seven ways in which a wife can cultivate her marriage:

1. Pray daily for your husband. As a leader and provider of the family, your husband has weighty responsibilities. What a comfort it can be for your husband, if he knows that each day his wife is praying for him—that God will strengthen, direct, and protect him!  Personally, I find Lifting My Husband Through Prayer a helpful tool as I pray for my husband. This prayer card, produced by Family Life in 2014, uses Bible verses as a guide for a wife as she prays for her husband.

2. Encourage and support your husband’s leadership in your home. In today’s culture, the idea of a wife’s submitting to her husband seems absurd. However, when a wife obeys God’s command to submit willingly to her husband as unto the Lord, it is a beautiful picture of the relationship between Christ and His Bride (Eph. 5:21–24). And biblical submission does not mean that you become a doormat. On the contrary, God calls you as a wife to be a helper to your husband—to work alongside him for God’s glory. A godly husband will value his wife’s input, and will not abuse his authority and demean his wife. Just as a husband’s tender love increases his wife’s desire to honor him, so does a wife’s willing submission to her husband increase his desire to cherish more his wife.

3. Make an effort to show interest in your husband’s work, hobby, or passion. Continue to date your husband. Engaging in your husband’s hobby or passion can build sweet friendship in a marriage. My husband loves basketball. When we were first married, I knew little about that sport. Now, I’m not sure who enjoys watching a basketball game more, he or I.

4. Listen (really!) to your husband. Women are so used to multitasking; and sometimes, they continue to multitask even when their husbands are talking to them. Yes, generally they are listening, but their actions can show disinterest. Depending on your situation, putting down your grocery list, setting aside your cleaning cloth, or putting your cellphone down are some meaningful ways to show your husband that he matters to you. Now, if you really can’t listen well at the moment he is trying to share something with you, you may want to kindly say, for example, “Dear, what you have to say is important to me. Could we talk about it tonight after supper so I can really listen to you?”

5. Praise and compliment your husband, not only privately but also publicly (and if you have children, in front of them). Make sure he knows that you admire him, value his care for your family, and appreciate his leadership. A wife who intentionally esteems her husband will be surprised how her admiration can motivate her husband to lead and serve more their family.

6. (This point is especially for moms with young children.) Remember that before you became a mother, you were first a wife and are still a wife. Our precious little ones can consume so much of our time that we neglect to cultivate intimacy with our husbands. As a mom of four small children, I know how hard this can be! I also know how much my husband appreciates it when I make an effort to show him that he is still number one. A small love note sent in his lunch or placed on his desk, cooking his favorite meal, planning date nights away from the children are just some ways wives can communicate love to their husbands.

7. Treat your husband as God treats you. (I’ve borrowed this point from my husband’s article as it excellently applies to both husbands and wives.) “God does not deal with us according to the multitude of our sins but according to His rich mercy. Your husband is not perfect; he has flaws and weaknesses, but so do you. Therefore, as God is gracious to you, so be gracious to him. When you are wrong, be humble enough to admit your mistake. When you sin, ask for forgiveness. When your husband sins, forgive him as God has forgiven you (Eph. 4:32). Grow with him in God’s mercy and love.”

The above list is by no means exhaustive but meant to give some practical suggestions for cultivating our marriages. We need to realize, however, that ultimately apart from God’s grace in Christ we cannot be the kind of wife God calls us to be. Therefore, we need His grace for us to grow more selfless in our marriages. We need His forgiveness for the many ways in which we fail to respect and submit to our own husbands (Eph. 5:33). And we need His Spirit to enable us to nurture a happy and holy marriage.


This post has originally appeared in The Outlook 69, no. 6 (2019): 22–23. Used by permission.

Family Father Husband Marriage Wedding Wife

My Father-in-law’s Advice to Me

My Father-in-law_s Advice to Me (pic)

I’m blessed to have a godly and wise father-in-law, Rev. Bartel Elshout, who is known for his translation of Wilhelmus à Brakel’s The Christian’s Reasonable Service. I so much value his wisdom in that whenever I need to make an important decision I always seek his counsel. Recently, I asked him if there’s any advice that he could give to me as a father of now four children. He said (and I’m sharing his advice with his permission),

“Make sure you spend enough time with your children! Life is a one-way street, and you get to spend each day with your children only once. Time not spent with your children can never be relived. When I was a young father, I was a very busy man. I was the principal of a Christian school and also served as elder in the church. In hindsight, I should not have had this double commitment. Even though I did my utmost to spend time with my oldest son David (now 43), he still vividly remembers that often I was too busy for him. Once he called me in the not too distant past, and at that particular moment I could not talk to him. He responded, ‘Dad, are you too busy for me again?’ What a painful moment this was for me! My son still remembered that 30 plus years ago I was too busy for him. Therefore, young fathers, do not make the mistake I made by overcommitting yourself. Each day in the lives of your children is a day that cannot be relived!”

Indeed, one of the most common things that fathers regret before they die is this: “I worked too much and did not spend enough time with my family.” God wants us to work diligently to provide for our family. But when we work at the expense of our relationship with our family, our work becomes harmful rather than helpful. In his 2011 Father’s Day message, former President Barack Obama expressed his regret for not spending enough time with his children when they were younger. Listen to what he said:

“When Malia and Sasha were younger, work kept me away from home more than it should have. At times, the burden of raising our two daughters has fallen too heavily on Michelle. During the campaign, not a day went by that I didn’t wish I could spend more time with the family I love more than anything else in the world. But through my own experiences, and my continued efforts to be a better father, I have learned something over the years about what children need most from their parents. They need our time, measured not only in the number of hours we spend with them each day, but what we do with those hours.”

The late American evangelist Billy Graham expressed a similar regret. When interviewed by Christianity Today about anything he could have done differently, Billy Graham said:

“I’d spend more time at home with my family, and I’d study more and preach less. I wouldn’t have taken so many speaking engagements, including some of the things I did over the years that I probably didn’t really need to do—weddings and funerals and building dedications, things like that. Whenever I counsel someone who feels called to be an evangelist, I always urge them to guard their time and not feel like they have to do everything.”

Fathers, before it is too late, let’s spend quality time with our children. Some fathers think that their duty is only to provide for their children’s material and physical needs. That’s only part of our duty as fathers. We are also called to provide for our children’s spiritual and emotional needs. Interestingly, when our children develop sinful habits or patterns of life, we quickly ask, “Why is my son or daughter behaving this way? What’s wrong with my child?” But perhaps, we could also ask ourselves: “Am I taking time to also provide spiritually and emotionally for my children? Do I spend time with them? Do I play with them? Do I read God’s Word and pray with them? Do I discipline them when necessary? Do I encourage them? Do I assure them of my love?”

Fathers, our children need our presence not just our pockets. I remember this touching story: “A little boy who had been begging his father for favors all day came once into his daddy’s office. ‘What do you want this time?’ asked the weary parent. ‘I don’t want anything,’ was the astonishing reply, ‘I just want to be with you.’”

Fathers, if we are honest with ourselves, we all fail to spend time with our children as we should. That’s why we need to pray earnestly to God for his grace to be able to properly balance our work and family responsibilities. We also need to pray daily that we may be able to model God’s fatherly character to our children, always pointing them to him, who, for Christ’s sake, will never leave us, nor forsake us (Heb. 13:5). And when we do fail in our calling as fathers, let us not despair. There is always forgiveness in the Lord Jesus Christ (1 John 1:9).


Note: To read the article in Spanish, click here.

father's day quote

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Thoughts on Same-Sex Marriage

On April 28 of this year the U.S. Supreme Court will hear oral arguments on same-sex marriage. The Supreme Court will see whether marriage equality is a Constitutional right or not. It will determine whether states have the duty to conduct same-sex marriages and whether the states that ban equal marriage should accept same-sex marriages conducted in other states. Currently, there are 13 states (Arkansas, Georgia, Louisiana, Kentucky, Michigan, Missouri, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Texas, Ohio, and Tennessee) that still prohibit same-sex marriages. If the Supreme Court rules in favor of marriage equality, all these 13 states will be obligated to conduct same-sex marriages.

Now, this issue that we are facing as a nation is not really cultural or political but religious, for it relates directly to what the Bible teaches regarding marriage. As a Christian, I uphold traditional marriage (a marriage between one man and one woman only). Scripture tells us that God ordained the institution of marriage (Gen. 2:18-25). As such, the idea of marriage did not come from man, but from God. And since marriage originated from God, only he has the right to define marriage. Ultimately, it is not the Supreme Court justices that should tell us what marriage is and what marriage is not. Since it is God who has ordained the institution of marriage, he alone has the right to set forth the meaning of marriage. The justices should therefore define marriage in God’s terms, not in their own terms.

God created marriage and he also provided a manual for its use. That manual is his Word. I once bought a small table for my printer. When I bought the table, it was not yet assembled. I had to assemble it with the help of the manual. But, I thought I would not need the manual because it looked easy to put the parts together. After I was done, the table did not turn out to be strong. It was shaky because I did not follow the manual. Similarly, many marriages today (whether homosexual or heterosexual) are shaky because husbands and wives do not follow God’s manual for marriage as revealed in the Scriptures. What does this manual tell us regarding marriage?

  1. Marriage is a union between one man and one woman only. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Marriage is a sacred union between a man (Adam) and a woman (Eve), not between a man and a man, or between a woman and a woman. Marriage is never intended to be between two people of the same sex (Rom. 1:26-27; 1 Cor. 6:9).
  1. In marriage a husband must love his wife, as Christ loved the church; and a wife must submit to her husband, as the church submits to Christ (Eph. 5:22-25). When a husband does not show love to his wife, the wife will find it hard to respect him. Conversely, when a wife does not show respect to her husband, the husband will find it hard to love her. Thus, a marital problem starts when a husband and a wife stop doing their duties toward each other.
  1. Marriage serves as a picture of the glorious relationship between Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31-32). As a husband and wife are united through marriage, so we are united to Christ through faith. We, Christians, are collectively the bride of Christ and Christ is our bridegroom. In the gospel, Jesus is in us and we are in him (1 John 4:13). Same-sex marriage fails to portray this sacred union between Christ and his bride. The relationship is between the bridegroom (male) and the bride (female), and not between two men, or two women, as same-sex marriage portrays.
  1. Marriage is not only intended for our happiness but for our holiness as well. God gave Eve to Adam not only to satisfy him but also to sanctify him. Sadly, some homosexual couples think that marriage is all about happiness. They say, “Well, what is important is that we love each other and that we are happy together.” My question is this: “How can you be truly happy when you live in sin, for homosexuality is a sin? How can you be actually happy when God is unhappy with the kind of relationship that you have?” It is when we honor God’s ordained order of marriage that we can really experience true happiness in holy matrimony. In his book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas asks, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” Have you ever thought of that question?

In conclusion, I think same-sex marriage is a rejection of God’s ordained manual for Christian marriage. Now, if you are reading this article and you happen to be homosexual, please don’t think that I hate you. In fact, I wrote this article out of love for you. And I want you to know that you and I are both sinners (Rom. 3:23). I even dare to say with the Apostle Paul that I am the worst of all sinners (1 Tim 1:15). But our God, who is rich in mercy, saved me from the power and penalty of my sins. In Christ I become a new person, for God graciously forgave me and cleansed me from all my iniquities. Through faith in Christ, you too can be a changed person. Jesus Christ can set you free from the bonds of the sin of homosexuality. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Cor. 5:17).

Note: This post also appears on

Homosexuality Marriage

Adam: His Wedding, Work, & Woe (Part 2 of 3)

Adam’s Work

“The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and kepictureep it” (Gen. 2:15). Adam’s work is two-fold as far as his role as a husband is concerned.

First, God has placed Adam in the garden in order for Adam to provide for his wife.

The word “work” in this verse is better to be translated as “cultivate.” Adam is to tend the garden. He needs to work for the provision of his wife and for God’s praise. Work was not a result of sin but a God-ordained instrument through which man can glorify his Creator by providing for his family. Husbands, as long as the Lord enables us, it is our obligation to provide for our family. Are you fulfilling your duty?


Second, God has also put Adam in the garden in order for Adam to protect his wife.

The Hebrew term translated “keep” in verse 15 also means “watch” or “guard.” God has appointed Adam to watch the Garden of Eden which is Adam’s home. Adam is to look after everything that is in this garden. And since Eve is in the garden, it is also his responsibility to look after Eve—to keep her away from the forbidden tree and to protect her from Satan, the great tempter.

Husbands, it is our holy occupation to protect our family from the Devil and to keep our home from temptations. Fathers, we are to guard our children from “the [sinful] desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life” (1 John 2:16). Doing such an important responsibility requires time. It may be likened to gardening. If you want to have a good garden, then you must invest time in your garden. Fertilize, water, and weed it.

Some fathers think that their duty is only to provide for their family’s material and physical needs. That’s only part of our duty as fathers. We are also called to protect our family from spiritual dangers. You may work 80 hours a week, but yet you hardly see your children. You don’t have time to talk to them, read God’s Word with them, pray with them, play with them, and counsel them. Then, when your children don’t act according to God’s Word, you ask, “Why is my son or daughter acting this way? What’s wrong with my child?” Perhaps, we need to ask ourselves: “What’s wrong with me? Am I taking time to also provide spiritually and emotionally for my family?”

Husbands, we must also work on our marriage. A husband who desires to have a healthy relationship with his wife must work hard at his relationship with her. He should not expect to have a good relationship with his wife, if he does not cultivate his love for her. Husbands, do you still date your wife? When was the last time you took her out to spend quality time with each other? Remember, the condition of your marriage can affect your children. Someone has rightly observed, “A father’s first responsibility to his child is to love his wife. The most favored children in the world are those whose parents love each other.”


In the next post we will look at Adam’s woe.

Family Marriage Parenting Wedding

Adam: His Wedding, Work, & Woe (Part 1 of 3)

In this post we will briefly study Adam, the first husband and father in human history. As we examine his life, we will focus on the following three aspects of his life: (1) his wedding, (2) his work, and (3) his woe.Wedding


Adam’s Wedding

Genesis 2:21-22 records the account of the first wedding in the history of humankind: “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.”

God created Eve and brought her to Adam to be Adam’s wife. And God Himself officiated their wedding. From this event we learn three significant lessons.


First, Eve is God’s precious gift to Adam.

When I officiate a wedding, I ask the question, “Who gives this woman to this man?” The father of the bride is expected to answer, “Her mother and I.” If we were to ask the same question to God, “Who gives this first woman to this first man?” God would have said, “I do.”

Eve’s heavenly Father walked her down the aisle in the Garden of Eden and presented her to Adam and God was saying to Adam, as it were, “Here’s my special gift to you. I have given you life to live: I have ‘breathed into [your] nostrils the breath of life’ (v. 7); I have ‘planted a garden in Eden’ to be your dwelling place (v. 8); I have given you food to eat (v. 9), now receive another gift from me—a woman who is to be your wife.”

Husbands, let’s remind ourselves that our wives are God’s precious gifts to us. Husband, do you indeed regard your wife as a priceless gift from the Lord? Do you cherish her? Second to Jesus Christ, is she the most important person in your life?


Second, Eve is God’s gracious gift to Adam.

After God had put Adam in the garden, God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (v. 18). God saw Adam’s need to have a wife. Thus, God took the initiative to meet that need. He created Eve and gave her to Adam. Adam did not ask for Eve yet God graciously gave this woman to him.

Husbands, our wives are God’s gracious gifts to us. We don’t deserve them. Yes, you might have prayed to have a wife but when God granted your request, you realized that He did so out of His mere grace, not because you deserved to have a wife. Husband, do you consider your wife an undeserved blessing from God? Do you humbly thank Him for that blessing?


Third, Eve is God’s suited gift to Adam.

Genesis 2:18 states, “I will make him a helper fit for him.” God knew what was best for Adam. He gave him Eve—a woman suitable for him—a woman who would complete, complement, and satisfy him socially, emotionally, & physically—a woman whom God would use for Adam’s good and God’s glory.

Husbands, our wives are not perfect, but God has given them to us because they are suitable for us—suitable to meet our needs, even our spiritual needs. Ultimately, our wives have been given to us for our sanctification. God can use both their strengths and weaknesses to conform us to the image of His Son. The grand goal of Christian marriage is Christlikeness! If you are not yet married and are looking for a wife, pursue a woman who will help you become more like Christ.



The wedding was done. And once Adam and Eve were married, they became one flesh: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (v. 24). In Ephesians 5:32 the Apostle Paul quotes this verse to illustrate the kind of relationship that exists between Jesus Christ and His church. Those who believe in Christ are united to Him. Husbands, our model is ultimately not the first Adam, but the second Adam. The first Adam was not perfect, but the second Adam was. Therefore, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25).


In the next post we will look at Adam’s work.

Marriage Wedding

Seven Tips for a Happy Christian Marriage

Here are seven tips for a happy Christian marriage coming from Mr. Don Verduin, a member of our church, who has been married for 67 years:


Don & Alice Verduin


  1. Make God the center of your life and marriage. Seek God’s will as found in the Bible, and make His Word your guide for all decisions you are required to make.

  2. Make sure that you read the Bible every day. The Bible has answers for every issue that Christian couples face. For instance, take time to study Ephesians 5 – 6: 18 where God has listed rules for a happy marriage.

  3. Church attendance is a must. As a couple, support your church with your prayers, gifts, and time. The fellowship with Christian friends can be educational and comforting. Also, be sure to tithe, and, if able, to give beyond your tithe. God requires giving and blesses those who give.

  4. If God blesses your home with children, train them according to His way. The rearing of your children is a joy, but also a responsibility. Take time to read and explain God’s will for your children. Take your children to church with you. Teach your children the songs of the church, songs they will continue to carry with them throughout life. When possible, do all in your power to provide your children with a Christian education. To do so may require your family to change its lifestyle, but in the end God will bless your family.

  5. Children will disrespect authority, especially that of their parents. In a loving way explain God’s rules and do not permit this sin to continue.

  6. Sometimes the relationship between a husband and wife can become fragile. Take the time to see what God’s Word says and seek His will through prayer. Remember, God grants forgiveness to those who repent and ask for forgiveness. A husband and wife must do the same. A forgiving spirit will strengthen the marriage bond. Do not be slow to accept an apology and to grant forgiveness.

  7. Whenever possible, a husband and wife should do things together: attend church, instruct your children in the catechism, help each other with the housework, or spend time together in the garden. Doing things together such as these will help build respect for each other, as well as leave a good example for your children.


Wedding Homily: Remember Your Pledge

Note: Below is the message that my friend Dr. Jim Cowman delivered on the wedding day of his daughter Courtney.

By Dr. Jim Cowman

Wyandotte Alliance Church,

Wyandotte, Michigan

September 21, 2013


When asked how he felt about officiating his daughter’s wedding ceremony,

Dr. Jim Cowman remarked: “Being asked to perform Jake and Courtney’s

Wedding Ceremony was the highest honor of my life.“  



Courtney, Jim, Jake


Looking at you with a father’s eyes, in all your bridal beauty, I cannot help being reminded of the little girl with dark hair all made up in braids who used to jump on my lap for one of the many viewings of “Cinderella.” And how could I forget how you covered your eyes when you saw the wicked step-sisters. And how you happily jumped off my lap, and joyfully danced around when the prince placed the glass slipper on Cinderella’s foot, and it fit perfectly convincing him he had found the girl he had fallen in love with.

At your reception, when you and I dance to the song, “Have I Told You Lately that I LOVE You?” – (something our family asked one another many times), we will close the circle of life on your days in your parents’ household.  Now you have found your own `real life’ prince!  And in Jake, you have found a godly man who has more than enough charm, and heart to lead you through any future hurt, or harm, without alarm.

Truly this is a day that is life-transforming for you both. You will celebrate it every September 21st. And over the coming years, there will be many aspects of this day that will make a special claim upon your hearts and minds: the beauty of decorations and garments; the love of relatives and friends; the bounty of gifts and toasts; the joy of great food, music, and dancing. So many memories, photographs, records and mementos!  But above all these good things there is one higher remembrance to which I would call you both:  “Remember Your Pledge.”

Jake and Courtney, in a few minutes you make a very important commitment: one that you have been preparing for, and anxiously anticipating, since your engagement.  Next to your commitment to Christ, this is the most important one that you will make in your life-time. God calls the relationship and agreement that secures the union of one man to one woman, a `covenant.

You may be thinking, “How does the idea of a `covenant’ differ from a `contract’ when it comes to one’s marriage relationship?”  I am certainly not a lawyer with legal expertise, but I can bring God’s perspective to bear on this. A `contract,’ you see, is a conditional agreement that is only as good as the parties’ wills and capacities to keep the conditions. When the stipulations of this kind of agreement are violated, the contract is null and void.  The end.  For example, if a builder contracts to build a mansion, but builds a dog house instead, no one is going to pay him the contract price.

A `covenant,’ on the other hand, is an unconditional agreement between two parties. The special and mutual obligations, to which husbands and wives are called, are not conditions qualifying the validity of the agreement, but positive reinforcements to make better what God has intended to be very good.  Thus, there are no conditions that must be kept to secure the continuity of the agreement.  Whether due to lapses of weakness or misjudgment, or common misfortune, or genetic predisposition—some difficulties are bound to come and they will tug at the fabric of our union.  But such shortcomings, disappointments and failures have an answer: they are absorbed by love and forgiveness: “Love one another as I have loved you,” said Jesus; “Forgive one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you,” said Paul. (Ephesians 4:32); “Love covers a multitude of sin,” said Peter (I Peter 4:8).  Jesus, the unfailing example of the Christian life, even forgave his enemies who condemned him to crucifixion, speaking from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:24).

To be sure, the rips in the fabric of our trust we may experience can be very painful, but, they generally fall far short of sending us to a cross.  In fact, no matter how strained, pained, or tempted we may become, we are still commanded by God “To keep faith with the wife your youth” (Malachi 2:13-16). The unconditional covenant protects all parties: husbands, wives, children, relatives, friends and society; and it assures them that in their own household they are always accepted and loved.

Remember that the pledge you make today lists no condition, or exceptions to your commitment.  You will say, “For better or for worse,” “for richer or for poorer,” “in sickness or in health.”  You might add wrinkles, pounds, senility, joblessness, irritability, and cancer. Come what may, covenant keepers you must be. If you are tempted to think otherwise, remember your pledge.

Your parents do not cease to love you because, by your marriage, you begin a new household.  The porch light will always be on and the door open. There will always be a place at our table and a bed in our home for both of you and what children may come – but we also realize that from now on, whenever you say, “there’s no place like home,” you will be referring to the home of Jacob Wesley Oosterhouse’s household, and not your father’s house!

May God crown your new home with a permanence, stability, and strength great enough to embrace all of its members in unbreakable unity!

So I say again, “Remember Your Pledge!”



Marriage Wedding

“Defending Marriage and Religious Liberty in Perilous Times”

By Annemarieke Ryskamp (guest blogger)


From left to right: Richard Ryskamp, Annemarieke Ryskamp, Jordan Lorence, Brian Najapfour


On October 16, 2013 my husband (Richard) and I along with our pastor (Brian Najapfour) attended a meeting hosted by Michigan Family Forum. Given the ongoing discussions on marriage and religious freedom, the theme of the meeting was very relevant— “Defending Marriage and Religious Liberty in Perilous Times.” The guest speaker was Mr. Jordan Lorence, senior counsel of Alliance Defending Freedom. Mr. Lorence is known for his passion to defend religious liberty, sanctity of life, and marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

An expert in First Amendment right and marriage litigation, Mr. Lorence explained the troubling effects of the legal redefinition of the family. For instance, he told the story about the photographer Elaine Huguenin who was sued by a lesbian couple for refusing to photograph their same-sex commitment ceremony. Elaine declined to take pictures because she believed that the ceremony would only promote the practice of same-sex marriage—a practice that she thinks is wrong.

The lesbian couple wanted Elaine to tolerate them in their practice, but they were unwilling to tolerate the exercise of her religious belief. Also, why did they single out Elaine and demand her to take pictures of their ceremony? She was not the only photographer in their area. There were other photographers who would gladly take pictures of same-sex commitment ceremonies. Where was the respect here on the part of this couple for Elaine’s religious conviction? Mr. Lorence rightly observed that madness was a strong factor behind this couple’s decision to sue Elaine. Those who reject the Bible are simply mad at those who uphold it. This attitude should not surprise Christians at all. Haters of Jesus Christ will also hate and even persecute those who follow Christ. But Jesus says, “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:10).

Nevertheless, while the legal redefinition of the family has caused difficulties among Christ’s followers, it has also produced positive outcomes. First, it has challenged Christians to study and defend their views that are under attack. Those who were once lax are now forced to know what they really believe and why they really hold to their belief. Second, it has brought Christians closer together. In fact, the people who attended the meeting came from various Christian backgrounds. Yet, these Christians of different persuasions work together for the advancement of the biblical principles of marriage.

At the end of the meeting the speaker entertained some questions. When asked what Christians could do in response to persecutions, he admonished everybody to be courageous in the Lord. We need to be willing to step forward and fight for the biblical principles of marriage.

Dear reader, will you join us in defending marriage as defined by God? Satan is actively seeking to destroy our marriages. He knows that once a marriage is destroyed, it will also affect our church, community, and ultimately our country.


Note: A member of Dutton United Reformed Church, Annemarieke Ryskamp is wife to Richard and mother to their two sons (Sam & Tom). She would like to acknowledge Pastor Najapfour’s editorial help for this post.

Alliance Defending Freedom Marriage Michigan Family Forum Uncategorized

Two Important Ingredients for a Happy and Holy Marriage

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22)

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25)

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph. 5:33)



The first wedding that I officiated in the U.S.

If you love cooking, you will agree with me that in order to prepare a delicious meal, you need to have: first, the proper recipe, and second, the essential ingredients listed in that recipe. Likewise, if you want to have a happy and holy marriage, you need to have: first, the right recipe. A recipe is a set of instructions for making and preparing a dish. In the case of marriage, your recipe is nothing but the Word of God. The Bible will instruct you what to do and what to have in order to experience a pleasant and pious marriage. God in His Word will tell you the necessary ingredients for a glad and godly marriage.

Now what are those essential ingredients for a happy and holy marriage? For the sake of time, I will only give you two (one for the husband and one for the wife) ingredients which I believe are extremely vital, so much so that without these two elements, your marriage will collapse.

Two Important Ingredients for a Happy and Holy Marriage: Love & Respect


The Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Note that the word “love” in this verse is present active imperative. This means that you, husband, must keep loving your wife. Don’t stop showing her your affection. You are divinely commanded to continue loving your wife. And in the above verse Paul tells us the manner by which we must love our own wives: “as Christ loved the church.”

By the way, this love between Christ and us is so amazing, because this love is between the infinite Son of God and finite sinful creatures. It is not surprising to see a love between God the Father and God the Son (between two infinite, immortal, holy, perfect divine beings). Also, it is not astonishing to witness a love between a husband and a wife—between two mortal, imperfect human beings. But to behold a love between God and human beings—between the infinite God and finite creatures—between a holy God and corrupt people—is so breathtaking.

Let me illustrate my point. If my wife comes to me right now and tells me that she loves me, I will not be surprised at all. Why? Because I know she loves me. Every day I hear the words “I love you.” But, if she tells me that she loves spiders, my mind will be blown away because I know she dislikes spiders very much. For my wife spiders are ugly/unattractive creatures. Could you imagine then if one day my wife says to me, “I will take spiders into our bedroom. I will take care of them. I will feed them. The truth is I will give my life for them.” If I hear these words, I will be extremely shocked.

Now when you hear the words of out text—“Christ loved the church,” are you not amazed? Does it not cause you to wonder that God the Son would love sinners such as we are? Dear child of God, we are worse than spiders. Isaac Watts, considered to be the Father of English Hymnody, uses the term worm to describe himself in relation to his Saviour:

Alas! and did my Savior bleed
And did my Sovereign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For sinners such as I?
[originally, For such a worm as I?]

Here the hymn writer is so stunned that Jesus would actually die for a worm as he is. This hymn tells a love story between the altogether lovely Savior and unlovable and unlovely Isaac Watts. Charles Spurgeon calls this love that exists between beautiful Jesus and ugly sinners “the miracle of miracles.” Speaking to his fellow believers, Paul writes, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). This divine love is indeed inconceivable! Let this love overwhelm us and cause us to praise and thank our Lord Jesus Christ for what He has done for us at Calvary. Again, husbands, we are divinely commanded to love our own wives with this kind of love with which Christ loved us. Now what kind of love is this?


(To be continued)   

Love Marriage

An Interview with Joel R. Beeke about his book Friends and Lovers: Cultivating Companionship and Intimacy in Marriage. Cruciform Press, 2012, 96 pp., paperback.

Thank you so much for your willingness to be interviewed about your book that is filled with godly wisdom. As a newly married husband, I read this volume with great profit. I especially liked the biblical, pastoral, practical, honest, and balanced tone of your book.

Here are some of my questions for you about your work:

  1. Can you please briefly explain why friendship and sexual intimacy are “two key ingredients in a vital marriage” (p. 8)?

From the beginning God designed marriage to be a bond of personal and sexual unity. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Cleaving (or clinging) expresses the commitment or bond of a shared life. One flesh expresses sexual intimacy. It is interesting that the desires of women tend to major on the bond of friendship, and the desires of men on the sexual bond. In reality we need both to make a vibrant marriage. There is something inexpressibly beautiful about making love with your spouse as your best friend, and sharing life with your lover.


  1. You say that “[f]ew books on marriage include even one chapter on friendship” (p. 13). Why do you think this is so?    

That’s a hard question to answer with certainty. Perhaps part of the reason is that we have become a culture obsessed with skills, but awkward about relationships. There are lots of books about how to find your dream mate, how to communicate well, how to make love well, how to avoid tragedy well, etc. But as a culture North Americans don’t seem to know how to “be together” well.

Another factor may be the negative influence of communications media. We have traded real friendships for superficial forms of intimacy flashing on screens both large and small. Social media allow people to network and share information at an unprecedented rate. These are useful tools for work and business. But they are no substitute to eating dinner together every night, talking about what’s going on in your hearts and lives, reading and discussing the Bible, and praying hand-in-hand in the presence of the living triune God.


To continue reading the interview, click here

Note: Friends and Lovers can be obtained from Reformation Heritage Books for the discount price of $7.00 plus postage.

Interview Marriage Piety Puritan